It's December 23rd
And why is the carpet all wet, Todd? I Don't KNOW, Margo!
Today’s Quote:
“Christmas - that magic blanket that wraps itself about us, that something so intangible that it is like a fragrance. It may weave a spell of nostalgia. Christmas may be a day of feasting, or of prayer, but always it will be a day of remembrance - a day in which we think of everything we have ever loved.”
Augusta E. Rundel
Reviews:
Before I begin today’s review, I should like to say that yesterday’s review of Noelle (2019, Disney+) really stirred the pot! It turns out that some people REALLY enjoyed Noelle and didn’t approve of my ho-hum review:
Dear Suz Reviews:
Long time, first time. I respect your opinion on holiday movies, but believe you were terribly off base with your recent take on Noelle, streaming now on Disney+. I thought this was a unique take on the oft-trodden “Santa’s offspring” concept and felt Anna Kendrick had a joyful naivety that directly channelled Will Ferrell’s Buddy. Not since Phyllis Vance on The Office has there been a better lady Santa! It also channeled the MEANING of Christmas in a way that wasn’t overly preachy, which is a hard needle to thread.
Yours in respectful disagreement,
Emily From Brooklyn
In defense of Snowcone:
“Many Christmas movies have addressed the age-old question of the inter-generational Santa, but few venture to tackle the reindeer too! Snowcone, the reindeer-in-training, gives us a glamorous view into that coveted octet”
Molly from Virginia
Was I WRONG, dear readers, with my review? I perhaps might have to give Noelle another chance next year, to see if the fact that I watched it on the last day of my quarantine before seeing my family for the first time during a global pandemic had any effect on my review. I appreciate my readers telling me their thoughts since I am not Glenn Greenwald or Bari Weiss and afraid of literally any feedback whatsoever. BOOM ROASTED.
Now onto today’s review:
A New York Christmas Wedding (2020, Netflix): Dead. Baby. Angel.
After watching this movie IN FULL I don’t believe I will hear ONE WORD about it’s greatness from literally anyone on the planet, since it is fully deranged in a way that I haven’t seen in quite some time (probably at least a week).
This movie was probably pitched as something about the power of love and being true to yourself even if it’s uncomfortable, but what it REALLY was about was one thing, and that was death.
“A New York Christmas Wedding” started off with a teen who has a dead mother (I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH, OBVIOUSLY) who gets into a fight with her best friend Gabby because Gabby is about to make a bad life decision with a layabout man-child named Vinny. Very classic New York stuff, I see it all the time.
We then FAST-FORWARD TWENTY YEARS (!!) to meet the teen now woman Jennifer, who works as a Vet tech and is engaged to a lovely man with an awful mother who wants them to get married on Christmas Eve. Jennifer freaks out and goes on a night-time run in the city (AS ONE DOES, AS A WOMAN) and comes across a man who acts very suspiciously after being hit by a car while biking. They get to chatting and we learn that Jennifer is the harbinger of death, her father died on Christmas (we missed it during the flash-forward) and Gabby IS ALSO DEAD, so she is generally a sad person because of the weight of those deaths is a lot you know?
Jennifer then awakes in an alternate universe where is apparently in love and living with her no-longer-dead best friend and in a twist that cannot be explained - her father is ALSO ALIVE. Was the repression of her true sexual identity enough to kill her father in the real timeline? It kind of seems like that is what the movie is saying!
Anyways much is explained by the man on the bike, he is Azrael, her guardian angel and he has given her 48 hours to live a different life to see how it is and such. Jennifer obviously likes this life a lot more since HER FATHER AND BEST FRIEND ARE NO LONGER DEAD, and marries Gabby in a surprise Catholic wedding. Chris Noth - aka Mr. Big - plays the rogue Catholic priest who defies his Church and Pope to marry them and I have a lot of concerns about his career choices and personal well-being.
But then, dear readers, it gets EVEN STRANGER.
Jennifer asks Azrael to stay in the new less deathy timeline and he reveals himself as Gabby’s DEAD BABY.
That’s correct. Gabby apparently had a BABY with Vinny and it was a stillborn and so Azrael’s full name is Azrael Gabison. Gabby’s son. Who is an angel now.
Absolutely outrageous.
The movie still GOES ON after this and we learn that in the real deathy timeline (Jennifer is returned), Gabby had a stillborn and then WANDERED INTO TRAFFIC and died because she was so depressed. My sweet lord.
So then, because this movie makes absolutely no sense whatsoever Jennifer sees Azrael at a church and he says she can CHOOSE the timeline she wants to live in and when she wants to go back, but depending on when she does - he might not exist!
Meaning that this dead baby angel has the power of GOD to rewrite time for this woman. Thanos is literally nothing compared to the dead baby angel.
Obviously she chooses the TIMELINE WITH FEWER DEAD PEOPLE. THEN IT ENDS.
I would like one other person to watch this movie please, I am honestly not certain after typing all of this out that it wasn’t just a very intense fever dream.
