Today’s Quote:
“The outdoor Christmas lights, green and red and gold and blue and twinkling, remind me that most people are that way all year round--kind, generous, friendly and with an occasional moment of ecstasy. But Christmas is the only time they dare reveal themselves.”
Harlan Miller
Reviews:
Candy Review: Today’s candy is Ice Cream Cones, which is NOT a gummy like the rest of the gummies! To be clear, it is a gummy, obviously, but it is also more taffy-like? It has a nice tart flavor and it really took me by surprise, especially after twenty consecutive days of the same type of gummy. I really savored these taffy-gummies (tummies?) but I don’t think I would eat a lot of them, more like they are a special treat for the holiday season.
Ranking the children of the Home Alone Universe and where they would be today:
11 - Jeff
With his red hair and subservience to Buzz, Jeff ranks last on both this list and likely in life. Jeff never really went anywhere, still lives in the wee village of Chicago with his aging parents. He doesn’t have a job but that’s ok, he’s going to hit it big into Crypto, just you wait.
10 - Buzz
According to the 2021 movie Home Sweet Home Alone, Buzz is a local police officer, but I don’t really think that movie is truly Home Alone canon. In reality Buzz is a podcaster in the style of Joe Rogan, and frequently invites his brother Jeff on to complain about the casting decisions of Disney movies.
9 - Sondra
Sweet Sondra is what her fellow inmates call her….because she poisoned three of her ex-husbands with mistletoe-infused weed gummies. Sondra runs that women’s prison like Miss Trunchbull ran that school, and it shows. She is feared by all, loved by none. She spends her days counting down until her next parole hearing, where she is hoping to be released to have vengeance on the man responsible for locking her away, Fuller.
8 - Rod
Poor Rod, he believed Buzz’s lies about their next door neighbor being the South Bend Shovel Slayer and this guilelessness has not served him well. He is now married to a woman he met on the internet, he has never met her in person but he supports her journey of becoming an influencer because he believes in her passion.
7 - Tracy
Tracy became a stay-at-home mother who went low-contact with her parents (specifically Frank, her father) due to him being the worst. Tracy lives in Florida with a nice man and three children, and is generally fulfilled in her life. Go Tracy!
6 - Linne
Linnie moved to Europe (Ameria wasn’t big enough for her attitude) and stayed with her cousins until she met a sheikh from Saudi Arabia. She now lives in Dubai and is very rich, but she is empty inside. Her only friends are Elon Musk and Sondra - who she writes to, blithely unaware that Sondra is gaining her trust so that she can steal her fortune when she is released from prison.
5 - Megan
Megan showed very slight sympathy to Kevin being missing when they were all in Paris during the events of the second film, and this kindness only grew as she got older, like that heart condition The Grinch had. She is now an elementary school teacher in Ohio, with 5 dogs, 3 cats, and a devoted husband named Eugene. She is the reason all the cousins (besides Sondra) continue to keep in touch.
4 - Kevin
Kevin grew into a quieter adult, as therapy in high school really clued him into the terrors he went through as a child. He’s now an accountant, perfectly happy with his family and life - they live in Canada, where the social safety net is much stronger. He visits his parents three times a year but refuses speak to Uncle Frank.
3 - Brooke
Brooke never said a word in the original movies, and that’s because he brain was too big. She invented the algorithm that ChatGPT is based on and owns an entire block in San Francisco. She still doesn’t speak much, but she does give the best gifts.
2 - Fuller
Fuller is the lynchpin of the McAllister family, he finally got off the Pepsi kick, got contacts, and straightened out his life. He now lives in the same suburb as his parents, with a massive house and 7 children of his own. He hosts the entire family over the holidays, and is beloved by all. But all of this cheer hides his greatest secret, he is the one who went to the cops about his suspicions regarding Sondra - and he knows that one day she will come for him.
1 - Heather
Heather (the cousin who couldn’t count correctly and is thus the KEY person responsible for Kevin being left at home) is a high-powered business executive of a home-goods empire. She still can’t count, but that doesn’t stop her from being named to Forbes “Most Powerful Women” list, owning three vacation homes (in this economy) and generally being awesome at life.
Musings:
